Guilt and Shame are Like Oil and Vinegar When it Comes to Great Sex
How EFT Helps
Alina Frank, EFT-ADV, EFT CERT-I
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One definition of guilt is; feeling culpable for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy or self-reproach. We feel guilty when we have crossed a defined boundary. That line we try not to cross was often defined by a moral authority, be it a parent, our idea of God, a religious codex or a societal norm.
Guilt is the exact opposite of an aphrodisiac. It leads to feelings of inadequacy, avoidance behaviors, anxiety and can even lead to depression. Want a great sex life? Find a way to heal and resolve any guilt that you may be carrying from your history with regards to your sexual past.
Learning to forgive yourself for mistakes that you have made that caused pain to yourself or others, is one of the most powerful actions you can take to create more space for renewed sexual freedom and pleasure.
We have found that nothing is more guilt producing than sex. Sex more than any other subject is difficult to talk about, and is often intertwined with vulnerability, embarrassment, shame… people often look to others to validate what is normal, what is OK, what is morally correct.
Guilt and the need for forgiveness is very much driven by what a person’s society says is acceptable regarding sexuality. Whether a person has stayed inside the proclaimed moral sexual boundaries or has strayed outside the line, leads to the self reproach that thwarts self acceptance and leads to poor performance and a dwindling libido.
What sexual behaviors are accepted within a culture varies tremendously. It wasn’t too long ago that anything outside of the missionary position was illegal in certain states. You could go to jail for having oral sex with your partner in the privacy of your own bedroom.
Around the world there are cultures that sex is for functional procreation purposes only; sex for pleasure is non-existent and everyone has to figure it all out by themselves. Other cultures positively encourage sex for both reproduction and pleasure. Hands on sexual education is a skill that is taught to adolescents and where the mastery of sexual pleasure is supported. Other traditional communities regularly perform clitoridectomies on adolescent girls (the surgical removal of the clitoris). This is their traditional and religious custom.
In these three examples we can see how very different cultural and social mores have dramatically different teachings regarding how one should live with regards to their sexuality. In our culture, given the Puritanical background that we have, guilt plays a large role when we do something that is outside of sexually accepted behaviors. Strong moral values seek to define the acceptability of sexuality that takes place within the same gender, masturbation, abortion, sex with multiple partners, sex outside a marriage. After all, what is considered to be moral, changes. The one constant that we see is that guilt is a partner in whenever someone strays outside what they consider moral or right or normal for them.
One effective technique for helping a person to resolve feelings of guilt is to use EFT®, or the Emotional Freedom Techniques. This procedure has often been described as emotional acupuncture without needles, and works with the emotional and energy systems of the body to help heal and resolve negative emotions, such as guilt.
So when working or tapping on the idea of guilt, its important to get to the primary emotion rather than just staying with the cognitive thought of guilt, working on through tapping on the feelings of sadness, anger or fear or embarrassment is far more effective than tapping on the intellectual concept of guilt.
There is something important to say about deserving here. Often, people who are unable to let go of their guilt usually involves a matter of feeling that he or she does not deserve to have better sex or does not deserve to lead a happy life given what they have done and all these can be worked on though EFT®.
Some may say that guilt plays a legitimate role as a moral compass, offering direction to where not travel. After all, without guilt we might just go out and do whatever we want, whenever we want to, without considering the consequences.
By healing the past, by forgiving yourself, and anyone else involved, lessons can be learned and wisdom acquired, so that better choices can be made without having to rely on guilt as a negative taskmaster.
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Alina Frank is the top independently rated EFT practitioner. Along with her partner Dr. Craig Weiner, Alina created an online course on intimacy and sex for couples. To receive your first free video please follow the link
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